“We live in a stressed-out world”, I told a 9-year old boy the other day.

Then he asked me, “Who created the stressed-out world?”

According to the latest research, an estimated 75% to 90% of visits to primary-care physicians are for stress-related complaints. Not only that, but in the United States alone, in 2002 people spent nearly $17.2 billion worth of antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs.

That’s $17.2 billion that could have been used to build new schools and hospitals, provide clean water, grow food and build housing for millions of people across the globe!

It’s all very absurd.

As a coach, I spend my days having powerful conversations with people from all walks of life about what they, want deep inside their hearts and all the obstacles that stand in their way. And one thing I’ve learned in the three years that I’ve been coaching is that there’s a clear distinction between two kinds of stress which modern-day scientists now call: ’Distress‘ and ‘Eustress‘.

Before I tell you the difference, let us first look at some definitions of stress.

The Definition of Stress

According to Merrion-Websters’s dictionary, the term stress had none of its contemporary connotations before the 1930s when it first began to be used by Walter Cannon to refer to “external factors” that disrupted what he called homeostasis or the body’s natural equilibrium. Simply, stress is the result when something ‘outside’ of yourself throws you out of balance and outside of your ‘comfort zone’.

The word stress actually comes from the Latin stringere meaning ‘to draw tight’. Kinda like when you have tight rope around your neck and you can feeling drawing tighter each passing day!

The HeartMath Institute, which has studied the problem of stress for over 22 years defines stress as: ”a response to a threat, real or imagined, that results in a series of physical and emotional adaptations by our bodies.”

Distress vs. Eustress

Distress is the “most popular” kind of stress we normally refer to when we say, “I’m totally stressed-out.” This kind of ‘negative’ stress contains feelings of physical or psychological over stimulation which causes a sense of oppression and creates imbalances in the physical, emotional and mental body. Distress causes irritation, depression, loss of sense of humor, worry, fear, forgetfulness, aches and pains, nervousness, fatigue, and illness.

Research has shown that in our modern society, the #1 cause of  distress is the “feeling” of not having enough time complete a project, create money, and having many ‘incomplete’ or open projects with long to-do lists. Notice that the cause of stress is not the time, but the actual feeling.

Eustress, on the other hand, is the kind of stress often experienced when you are confronted with a demanding or challenging situation or task which you know you’re capable of handling, but will require you to develop new skills, habits, behaviors or attitudes in order to succeed. Having challenges and the responsibility that comes with them can give you a feeling of thrill and excitement, as long as that challenge is something you choose and is in alignment with what you really, really want to create in your life.

This positive kind of stress contains feelings of physical or psychological arousal and a sense of eagerness to welcome the upcoming adversity or difficulty. This type of stress makes you feel truly alive, the way you feel when you’re playing a game. It is good and necessary for human living and it’s the same kind of stress author Stephen Covey referred to when he said,

“Opposition is a natural part of life. Just as we develop our physical muscles through overcoming opposition – such as lifting weights – we develop our character muscles by overcoming challenges and adversity.”

How to know the Difference?

So let’s say for example that you are working on new projects (like a promotion or business venture) or perhaps you are entering a competition (like a sports tournament), or perhaps you just found out your boyfriend is cheating on you, or you’re going though a divorce. How can you tell if the stress you’re experiencing is distress or eustress?

You can’t.

Why? For the same reason one kid loves to ride a roller-coaster over and over again, while another kid will get sick just stepping on it. It’s the same roller-coaster, right? But each kid perceives it completely different. To the first, it is a challenge that makes him feel alive. To the other, it’s something that could cause his death!

My point is, it is your perception and response to your current situation that’s causing you the stress. Not the situation by itself.

The Heart-Based Solution

In my experience, the best way to deal with stress of any kind is at the level of the emotions or feelings, and not just at the level of the thoughts. Most fears are just irrational. Fears are emotions, and you just can’t psychoanalyze or coach an emotion away. It’s never worked for me and I’ve never seen it work for anyone else.

What I know works for me and most of my clients is first becoming aware of those unwanted emotions you’re currently experiencing and rather than running away from them, fighting them, repeating affirmations, or trying to focus on something else, choose to simply feel them and literally ‘sit with them’.

Practice feeling your emotions for a change! That is the first step.

You cannot change anything you’re not willing to first deeply accept. Once you accept it, and allow it, it will begin to transform.

I like to think of the word  Stress as an acronym that stands for: a ‘Symptom that a Transformation is Required Emotionally in order to Sustain Success’

And the only proven way that I know to strengthen my capacity to deeply accept, and allow an emotion is by strengthening and energizing my heart which, as many authors and researchers have demonstrated, is ‘The Seat of the Emotions’. Stress is, at its core, an emotional response which later becomes physicalized. So why not deal with it at the level of the emotions, by energizing the heart?

A healthy, energized, and lovingly expanded heart is the only way I know out of the ‘Stressed-out World’ many of us have created for ourselves.

In my next series of articles I’ll be sharing with you 21 Heart Intelligence practices that will help you enhance your capacity to feel your emotions, and allow them to transform into positive emotions that will literally help you shift from distress to eustress. They will also help you live a more Heart Intelligent life.

Take the Stress Test

Would you like to find out just how stressed-out you really are? The following test developed by researchers Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe is a great tool to help you become more aware of your current levels of stress. To find out where you are today, simply follow the following two steps:

Step 1: Circle the events you’ve experienced in the past year. Then, total the number of points assigned to the items you’ve circled:

• Death of a spouse – 100
• Divorce – 73
• Marital separation – 65
• Imprisonment – 63
• Death of a close family member – 63
• Major personal injury or illness – 53
• Getting married – 50
• Dismissal from work – 47
• Marital reconciliation – 45
• Retirement – 45
• Major change in health of family member – 44
• Pregnancy – 40
• Sexual difficulties – 39
• Gain of new family member (birth, adoption, elderly relative moving in) – 39
• Major business readjustment (merger, re-organization, bankruptcy) – 39
• Major change in financial state – 38
• Death of a close friend – 37
• Change to a different line of work – 36
• Change in the number of arguments you have with a spouse – 35
• Major mortgage – 32
• Foreclosure of mortgage or loan – 30
• Major change in responsibilities at work – 29
• Son or daughter leaving home – 29
• Trouble with in-laws – 29
• Outstanding personal achievement – 28
• Spouse begins or stops work outside of home – 26
• Beginning or ending formal schooling – 26
• Change in living conditions – 25
• Revision of personal habits  24
• Trouble with boss – 23
• Major change in work hours/conditions – 20
• Change in residence – 20
• Change in schools – 20
• Major change in recreational activities – 29
• Major change in church activities – 19
• Major change in social activities – 18
• Minor mortgage or loan – 17
• Major change in sleeping habits – 16
• Major change in number of family get-togethers – 15
• Major change in eating habits – 15
• Vacation – 13
• Christmas season – 12
• Minor violation of the law (traffic ticket, etc.) – 11

Step 2: Add up all the score together, and compare your result to the following list:

Less than 150 points =  low risk of developing stress-related illness
150-300 points =  medium risk of developing stress-related illness
More than 300 points =  high risk of developing stress-related illness

(Remember – this score is just a baseline estimate of your stress levels! Keep in mind that there might be other factors affecting your current level of stress that are not mentioned here.)

Is your World too Stressed-Out? Maybe I can help!

During the month of May I’ve decided to set myself a new coaching challenge. I want to have one-off coaching conversations with 12 people of any walks of life who are living under medium to high risks of developing stress related illness. I believe coaching is perfect for people who are wanting to transcend their current stress in their lives, and live healthier and happier lives. With so many people dying of stress related illnesses, I might just save a few lives!

So who do you know who might benefit from a powerful conversation with me, by phone, Skype or in person? Can you think of a friend or colleague? A brother or sister? Please message me and I’ll waive my normal fee for them. It’ll be an opportunity to go deep and explore who they really are, to see themselves more clearly and to work through anything they’re currently stuck with that’s keeping them feeling stressed. I won’t be charging for any of these sessions. My main aim here is to coach people who wouldn’t normally get coached — so please let me know if you know someone who could benefit. Feel free to email me at info(at)gabrielgonsalves.com

with Gabriel Gonsalves

4 sessions over 4 weeks starting Tuesday May 14, 2013 from 7-9pm in Constantia, Cape Town

In this course we will be learning and exploring Heart Coherence and Applied Heart Intelligence for understanding and cultivating inner awareness for outward change. Using both cardioneurology and ancient healing arts practices to help you move into your heart. This allows for healing and transformation at the level of our core.

By activating your Heart Intelligence you will gain the skills and tools to:

• Decrease emotional upsets and increase positive feelings so that you can make empowering and life-affirming choices for yourself and loved ones and our world
• Loosen the hold of stress, worry and anxiety by actively choosing joy, compassion, appreciation and love instead
• Improve your mental focus and clarity regardless of what’s happening “out there”
• Create an optimal inner terrain for healing and for easing the stress of chronic pain and illness, by consciously accessing your heart’s wisdom
• Build an inner reserve of energy that helps you to thrive in these complex and chaotic times
• Activate your heart’s intelligence to bring your work and life into greater alignment with your deeper life purpose
• Create more authentic, intimate and harmonious relationships
• Achieve your goals more quickly and easily

Dates: Tuesday May 14, 21, 28 and June 4th, 2013 from 7pm to 9pm

Investment: R200 for all 4 sessions paid in advance, no exceptions. Tea/Coffee and Biscuits will be served.

Venue: White Lodge, 28 Evergreen Ln, Constantia 7806, South Africa

Enquiries: Please contact Gabriel Gonsalves at (079) 039-9693 or via email at info(at)heartintelligencecoach.com

To Book: Simply click on the button below

What will the course cover?

This is what we will be covering during the four weeks:

Class One (May 14th, 2013)

Lecture:

• Theory and Science of the heart Intelligence
• Anatomy of the Heart
• Science of Heart Coherence

Technique &  Practice:

• Demonstration of Heart Rate Variability (HRV)
• Neutral Tool and Quick Coherence (these are  training tools for improving heart coherence and emotional refocusing)

Take Home: Neutral Tool, Quick Coherence and Personal Journal.

Class Two (May 21st, 2013)

Lecture:

• Emotional Re-Integration
• Amplified Heart Field
• “Depletion and Renewal Plan” (The role of  cognitive and emotional cortical centers as it relates to heart intelligence)

Technique & Practice:

• Exploration and practice of Emotional Re-Integration in the amplified heart field

Take Home:  Emotional Re-integration Tool, Journal, Depletion and Renewal Plan.

Class Three (May 28th, 2013)

Lecture:

• Review of Depletion and Renewal Plan
• The role of cognitive and emotional cortical centers as it relates to Heart Intelligence.
• Spiritual Technologies for the Heart: Heart Rhythm Meditation, Heart Mantras, Sutras & Bijas
• Celebration Review

Technique & Practice:

• Heart Coherence and Heart Rhythm meditation
• Whole Heart Listening (as we explore the  healing frequencies of sound and music as it engages our body/mind)

Take Home:  Heart Rhythm meditation, Preparation for celebration.  Reflective Journaling.

Class Four (June 4th, 2013)

Lecture:

• Receiving Wisdom and Guidance from the Heart
• The Four Elements of the Heart

Technique & Practice:

• Guided Heart Rhythm Meditation
• Guided Heart Mantra Meditation
• Celebration
• Evaluation

Ready to Activate the Intelligence of your Heart?

Simply click on the button below.

I have a very special favor to ask you. In case you’re not aware, my home country Venezuela is headed for what many of us believe is one of the most critical times in our history.

This coming Sunday 14/4/13, after the death of President Hugo Chavez, millions of Venezuelans will be electing a new president. Under normal circumstances I would not be asking this of you, but what’s happening is that the country is highly polarized and there’s the potential for great unrest, conflict, and violence. We’ve never seen anything like this!

In order to help and be of service, I’ve decided to hold seven 20-minute sessions of Global Heart Coherence with focus on Venezuela between 6am – 6pm on Sunday 14/4/13. My intention is that we can hold together a heart-focused and compassionate Global Coherence effort that will help shift the consciousness from discord and instability to balance, cooperation and enduring peace will help unite all Venezuelans. So, here’s my request from you:

Would you like to join me for just 20 minutes of synchronized Heart Coherence this Sunday?

There will be 7 sessions, each 20 minutes in length. You can join any one of the following sessions:

1. 6:00 am UTC-04:30 Caracas time (12:30pm SAST, 3:30am US Pacific)
2. 8:00 am  UTC-04:30 Caracas time (2:30pm SAST, 5:30am US Pacific)
3. 10:00 am  UTC-04:30 Caracas time (4:30pm SAST, 7:30am US Pacific)
4. 12:00 pm UTC-04:30 Caracas time (6:30pm SAST, 9:30am US Pacific)
5. 2:00 pm UTC-04:30 Caracas time (8:30pm SAST, 11:30am US Pacific)
6. 4:00 pm UTC-04:30 Caracas time (10:30pm SAST, 1:30pm US Pacific)
7. 6:00 pm UTC-04:30 Caracas time (12:30am SAST, 3:30pm US Pacific)

You can use Time Zone Converter to find out the exact time in your country/area.

What is Heart Coherence and how will this help?

Heart coherence is a distinct mode of synchronized psycho-physical functioning associated with sustained positive emotion emanating from the heart.  It is a state of energetic alignment and cooperation between heart, mind, body and spirit. In coherence, energy is accumulated, not wasted, leaving you more energy to manifest intention and harmonious outcomes.

Researchers at the Institute of HeartMath suggest that meditations, prayers, affirmations and intentions can affect the world. The institute’s Global Coherence Initiative has enough scientific evidence suggesting that our human hearts are electro-magnetically at least 5,000 times more powerful than our human brains. According to scientific research, our combined emotions actually generate an electro-magnetic field that is capable of affecting our planet’s electro-magnetic field as well as people thousands of miles away!  Please watch this video if you’d like to learn more about HeartMath’s research.

Intentionally sending coherent love and care to Venezuela  a more powerful heart-filled environment is created. This helps to build a reservoir of positive energy that benefits not just Venezuela but the entire planet.

How to participate

To participate in this Global Coherence effort, please visit the following link on Sunday April 14th, 2013 beginning at 6:00 am UTC-04:30 Venezuelan time and join one of the seven sessions scheduled during the day:

http://www.heartintelligencecoach.com/20minutes4venezuela

On the web page will find a video in which I will guide you through a 20 minutes of Heart Coherence with special focus on Venezuela. There will be both a Spanish and English Version of the video, as well as audios in case your internet is slow.

Share the love

Also, if you know someone who would like to participate in this worldwide effort, please forward them this email so that they can join on this special event.

And, if you’re on Facebook, you can invite your friends using the following link:

https://www.facebook.com/events/182633965219932/

Muchas, muchas Gracias!

Have an awesome weekend ahead!

Love.

Gabriel

This month of March 2013 my coaching challenge is to have once-off coaching conversations with 20 other coaches, healers, practitioners or consultants who are struggling to get clients need help in building their practice.

Who do you know who might benefit from a powerful conversation with me? Can you think of a friend or colleague? A brother or sister? Please message me and I’ll waive my normal fee for them. It’ll be an opportunity to go deep and explore their true life purpose, to see themselves more clearly and to work through anything they’re currently stuck with that’s keeping them from creating the clients and lifestyle they’d really like to have. I won’t be charging for any of these sessions and they can be done either in person – they are in Cape Town, or via Telephone or Skype. Feel free to email me at info(at)gabrielgonsalves.com and I’ll send you more information.

Gracias!
Love. Gabs

As part of my February Love Challenge, over the past week and half I’ve had the opportunity to coach 12 singles who want to get ready for love. And one of the comments that I keep hearing over and over again has to do with how most of these singles have given up on finding love because they no longer believe in the idea of “romantic love”. As one of them put it, “I just stopped believing in romantic love because it’s just not real, always sets me up for disappointment, failure and heart-break.”

What I find most interesting is that when I asked these singles what is it exactly that they mean by “romantic love”, most of them made some kind of reference to Disney movies, and knights in shiny armor. So I ask, “isn’t this an over simplification of what romantic love is truly about?”

With Valentine’s day just a few days away, I’m thinking it’s very sad that the idea of “romantic Love” for most people has been replaced by popular associations of valentines day, violins, red hearts, chocolates, soft music and knights in shining armour. And for other people “romantic love” is simply something that is way below their level of sophistication!

What if we could think more deeply than that and get to the heart of what romantic love is really, really, really about? What if Valentines, red roses, and violins have nothing to do with the essential meaning of love between two people who deeply care for and love each other? What if we are in fact not sophisticated enough to even begin to understand the depth of the emotion (energy in motion) behind love?

What if in actuality we are running away from romantic love because deep inside we are frightened by the passion, devotion, and commitment that true love requires?

The core of true romance lies only within the mind and the heart of the man or woman who is willing to expand his or her emotional range and truly express his passion, devotion and commitment to the recipient of their love. And it is a choice. To express one’s love, and risk rejection or ridicule is actually one of the most courageous actions anyone can ever undertake! And receiving that love requires even greater courage! It will bring your biggest fears to the surface, and with it all your dark shadows or disowned aspects of yourself!

As a Latino man who grew up around some of the most passionate people in the world, to me, “being romantic” means treating your relationship with that special someone as VERY important, and behaving in ways in which you get to express just how important that relationship truly IS to you. Flowers, or any gift given from that place can be a lovely and meaningful gift. Given from a more simplified, or emotionally safe space where there’s no intimacy, or no risk, can simply be a meaningless gesture.

I believe that True Romantic Love is to the lover and beloved an expression in the microcosm of the Love that our Creator has for each one of us! So, why not express it?

This Valentines day, if you plan to celebrate it, truly celebrate it, how about if you use it as an opportunity to expand your own capacity to give and receive love by expressing your love in a way that you’ve NEVER expressed it before! Yes, I’m challenging you to step up to the plate, and expand your capacity to express your love!

Here’s a powerful sentence completion exercise inspired by Nathaniel Branden’s work. Simply fill in the blank and complete as many answers as you can:

1. If I brought a higher-level of love to my relationship with my partner today, I _________________.
2. If I chose to be 5% more romantic today, I _____________________.
3. If I treat my relationship with my (partner, best friend, husband) as truly important, I ________________.

And what about the image of the knight in shining armor? What about the wonderful world of Disney’s? According to Nathaniel Branden:

“The image of the knight in shining armor could represent a woman’s longing for a man she can admire. It could also represent the immature wish for someone coming to rescue her, coming to make the world safe for her. As such, it is more a projection of adolescent insecurity than a projection of mature love. From the male perspective, it could represent a man’s desire to achieve an admirable soul and to be so perceived by the woman he loves. But it could also represent the craving of a man to play hero for a “weak and helpless” female. Romantic love is a relationship between independent equals, not between a waif and a rescuer.”

So, isn’t it time we stop dreaming of knights and shining armor?  Specially those riding a black Harley Davidson or behind the wheels of a Bentley or Ferrari?

Here’s an inspiring video with a song to help you get started on your journey towards true Romance. I hope you enjoy it. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love is a Choice

by Ariana Hall

Love is a choice that you make when you are in love with life

I Love, I Love, I Love you.

I’m afraid. But, can you feel my heart. It’s my choice and I choose love.

As soon as I knew, As soon as I knew, I will guide us through the frustration and all the pain, and back to Love.

I Love, I Love, I Love you. Feel my heart. Can you feel my heart? It is my choice, and I choose Love.

I’m afraid, and I’m still here… Love is a choice, and I LOVE YOU! 

This video I’ve posted is one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a very long time. It not only gave me a good laugh, but also made me think a great deal about how this seemingly harmless situation is the perfect example of what I believe is the #1 reason why most relationship fail. Please take a moment to watch it now…

As you could see in the video, a well intended younger sister is trying to convince her older sibling to participate in what is commonly known as a ‘Trust Fall’ while their father rolls the video camera. The exercise is quite simple, one partner closes their eyes and lets themselves fall down while the other catches them. When performed successfully, it is meant to build trust and commitment between the partners, while you surrender your control.

Why did this experiment fail? Simply, because there was an unmet expectation. The younger sister and the dad both expected that the older sister would fall backward. They’ve probably done the exercise a dozen of times and clearly knew what to expect. The problem was, they failed to communicate the direction of the fall to the older girl. The result was probably a good bump in the head!

How often in our relationships we do exactly the same. Whenever we start a new relationship, hire a new employee, sign up a new client, or decide to share a house with a friend, we very quickly start creating all kinds of expectations about how things ‘should’ and ‘ought to’ be. Then, when these expectations are not met, and we start communicating to others how ‘our expectations are not being met’, then all hell breaks loose, and then the relationship begins to go south.

I believe that we human beings were not put on this planet to live up to the expectations of others. Deep down we all have a rebellious, free spirit in us that knows it was not put here to live up to another mortal human being’s expectations. Therefore, whenever we hear the word “expectation”, that rebellious spirit rises, and with it a lesser likelihood of that ‘expected something’ to happen. By expecting something, we actually make it go away. We chase it away anything that is build from expectation, because it is build on a one partner’s idea of what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It also places all responsibility outside of yourself because it will always be someone else’s fault that you’re unhappy because your expectations are not being met.

In my coaching practice and in my life I’ve never seen ‘expectations’ work. It doesn’t bring people closer together, it doesn’t make one partner more faithful or happier. Quite the opposite, it creates terrible stress, pressure and resentment. No wonder it’s easier to rebel!

What is the solution?

Agree to make agreements.

It’s the more loving, heart-centered, and spiritual way of getting what you really want.

Simply, if you want someone to do something, or to behave a certain way simply create an agreement. Don’t just ‘expect’ them to do it because it’s the right thing to do or because that’s what you would do if you were in their place. They just won’t. Or haven’t you noticed it by now?

So, if your partner is late for dinner with you and the kids, how about saying, “Let’s you and I create an agreement. I would like to have you at dinner on time. You’re that important to me and to our kids. Your arriving in late does not work for us. It’s not wrong, it’s not unjustified, it simply does not work in what we’re creating for our family. Now let’s you and I talk so we can get an agreement; and an agreement is something that works for you and me, otherwise, I don’t want you to agree to it.”

So we work on an agreement together, we shake hands. We now have an agreement. And an agreement is something that works for both parties. An agreement is co-authored between two people who give their word and then keep it. People like to honor agreements to a far greater degree than they live up to expectations.

In every relationship – including your relationship with yourself – you always have two choices: You can have relationships based on expectations, or relationships based on agreements.

Which will you choose?

Please feel free to leave your comments down below. 

Last week I shared with you the Reasons Why I’m Still Single. In this weeks’ article I’d like to share with you a very quick way to find out just how ready you REALLY are for a committed relationship.

The idea came to me after completing this ‘Relationship Readiness Quiz’ published by the Relationship Coaching Institute. According to its author, Dr. David Steele, it is a very accurate tool to help singles assess their readiness in 10 important areas.

Before we proceed, let me first warn you that even though this is a powerful and accurate assessment, the ultimate truth is that you never really know you’re ready for a committed relationship until you’re actually in one. That’s just the way life works.

For example, I didn’t know I was ready to start acting in soap operas until I was actually acting in a soap opera. Similarly, I didn’t know I was ready to start coaching, until I was already coaching. When you are ready baby, you are READY. Period. Most people don’t know they are ready until they are actually ready.

So if you’ve been waiting until you’re ready to do something, my suggestion that you stop trying to get ready, and you start taking the necessary steps towards whatever it is you really want, be it a committed relationship, a new career, or a new slimmer you! Keep doing the work, and keep on being the most amazing you that you can possibly be!

This said, are you now ready to take the assessment and find out if you’re really READY for a committed relationship?

Let’s get started.

Instructions

Repeat out loud each one of the following ten statements and then rate each statement on a scale from 0 to 10 where:

8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and would be an asset to my next relationship

5-7: OK; this area needs work, but most likely would not sabotage my next relationship

0-4: Needs Work; this area could interfere with the success of my next relationship

Do your best to be objective and honest with yourself. I even recommend you ask your family or close friends for their honest opinions as well. They might be able to tell you something about you that you’re not aware of. Be willing to listen, specially if it brings ‘stuff’ up for you. Remember what Dr. Pat Allen says, ‘the truth will set you free, but it will first piss you off!’

The 10 Statements

1. I know what I want. I have a clear vision for my life and relationship. I can envision my perfect life in rich detail that feels strong, very real, and keeps me motivated.

2. I know my requirements. I have a written list of at least ten non-negotiable requirements that I use for screening potential partners. I am clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for me.

3. I am happy and successful being single. I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends, and my own company. I am living the life that I want, and I am not seeking a relationship out of desperation and need.

4. I am ready and available for commitment. I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments and lifestyle allow my availability to build a new relationship.

5. I am satisfied with my work/career. My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle, and does not interfere with my availability for a new relationship.

6. I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit. My physical, mental, or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good.

7. My financial and legal business is handled.  I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with having the life and relationship that I want.

8. My family relationships are functional.  My relationships with my children, ex, siblings, parents, and extended family do not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want.

9. I have effective dating skills. I initiate contact with people I want to meet, and disengage from people who are not a match for me. I keep my physical and emotional boundaries, and balance my heart with my head with potential partners.

10. I have effective relationship skills. I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, communicate authentically and assertively, negotiate difference positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable, and can give and receive love without emotional barriers.

The Results

Add all your scores together, and then use the following results to find out how really you REALLY are for a committed relationship:

80-100: Green light. Congratulations! You are well on your way to the life and relationship you really want!

50-79: Orange light. Continue to work on the areas needed and take it slow in relationships while doing so.

0-49: RED LIGHT. Take a break from seeking a partner, focus on your life and prepare for the relationship that you want. Consider enlisting the help of a with coach, a therapist, a friend or an accountability buddy to help keep you focused on your new direction.

Are you ready for the life and relationship that you really want? Here’s a great opportunity for you or someone you know.

I need your help with something… I decided to set myself a work challenge during the month of February. I want to have one-off coaching conversations with 28 singles in ages 28 to 48 who want to get ready for a committed relationship. I believe coaching is perfect for people who are wanting to get ready for love. It’s a good time to be questioning your patterns and getting clear about what’s important to you when it comes to a committed relationship.

So who do you know who might benefit from a powerful conversation with me, by phone, Skype or in person? Can you think of a friend or colleague? A brother or sister? Please message me and I’ll waive my normal fee for them. It’ll be an opportunity to go deep and explore who they really are, to see themselves more clearly and to work through anything they’re currently stuck with that’s keeping them from having the relationship they truly want. I won’t be charging for any of these sessions. My main aim here is to coach people who wouldn’t normally get coached — so please let me know if you know someone who could benefit. Feel free to email me at info(at)gabrielgonsalves.com

If you’re single like me and would prefer to be in a fulfilling loving relationship, this week I’m playing with the idea that the most important coaching question for both you and me is clearly, “Why are we still single?”

“Why” doesn’t necessarily mean, “What the hell is wrong with you?, or “Oh, Shame, what happened?” or “Whose fault is it that you’re still single?” In this case “Why” simply refers to a much bigger question such as “What is the purpose, intention or reason for you being single at this particular time in your life?”.

When I examined these powerful questions with my own coach, the answers that came up actually surprised so much that I decided to share them with you in this post, hoping that they will inspire you to come up with your own answers.

Why Am I Still Single?

Simply, because…

1. I know what I want.  Since I decided that this is my ‘Year of Living Shamelessly’, I’m going to go ahead and just put it out there to the Universe and you to bear witness to what I really, REALLY, want:

I intend to manifest a soul mate relationship with an available, fun, loving man where we both share a STRONG chemistry, and a deep emotional and spiritual connection that allows us to love, understand, and accept each other as we are. This relationship if filled with positive, optimistic, authentic joyful thoughts, actions, attitudes, communications, and expressions of affection and love, that it brings out the best in both of us and inspires us to, together, make a much bigger difference in the world.

2. I’d rather be single than settle. To get what I really want, I must be willing to say “No” to what I don’t want. That sounds so imple, but incredibly hard to do, specially when my testosterone levels and libido begin to run high! I’m just not going to settle for anything less than soul mate love, period. Why settle for Nestle chocolate when I can have Lindt?

3. I’m still learning.  To paraphrase Jim Rohn, “Life doesn’t give you what you want, need, or expect; Life gives you what you need to learn.”  The big question is, “What is it that you need to learn in order to finally have that fulfilling loving relationship?”  If you’re single and want a life partnership, what are the major life learnings or lessons that you must master BEFORE you can find your soul mate ? Here are five possibilities:

• Heal your emotional wounds (how about Heart IQ Coaching?)
• Learn relationship skills (like heart-to-heart, authentic communication)
• Learn to accept responsibility for your life, needs and goals
• Identify and change disempowering habits, patterns, attitudes and beliefs
• Learn new life affirming habits, patterns, attitudes and beliefs.
• Learn to cultivate and channel your sexual energy. (remember, sexual energy is creative energy)

4. I’m getting my $hit together. Do you have all your ducks in a row? Is there an area of your life that still needs work, balancing, or fixing? (For example, career, finances, health, or raising children.) In my case, I’m very focused on building my own coaching and consulting practice, and re-balancing my relationship with money and financial abundance. Plain and simply, I want to have lots of money and be able to travel and have fun and visit amazing places with my soul mate.

5. I’m keeping myself ready and available for love. It’s been nearly two years since I stopped ‘Recreational Dating’ and made a decision to date consciously, which funny enough, in my case meant stop dating all together. My reasoning is quiet simple: If I’m busy having fun with people who are not a good fit for me, how likely am I really to be available and ready for when I meet my soul mate? This has been the longest period of celibacy I’ve experience in my adult life!

6. I’m building a life that I LOVE. Since 2012, I made a decision to build a life that I love, and that is in greater alignment with my life purpose and values. A life where I get to work with people I love and enjoy, and where I get to have a lot of fun while I express my creativity in service to the world. Are you building the life you want? What if in order to have the Love of your Life, you first need to have a Life that you Love?

7. I believe I can have it all.  If my friends Audrey and Alfredo Garcias, Kathryn and John Thompkins-Alice, and Virginia and Evelio Pacheco-Castaneda can have the type of relationship I long for – if it’s humanly possible – then I’m choosing to believe right now that I too can have it all!  I am worth it of great love and SO ARE YOU!  Here’s one of my favorite affirmations of all time…

“Today I am loving myself enough to go after 100% of what I really, REALLY want and is possible.”

My commitment to myself is to continue to hold the highest vision for the kind of relationship I want to manifest and attract in my life, not just today, but each day of my life. And, I invite you to do the same!

What about you? If you are single like me, “Why are you still single?” Feel free to share your thoughts or comments below.

Let’s say you want to lose 10 kilograms with a new diet or exercise program. You write it down, you visualize yourself thinner, you even set the alarm clock for 6 a.m. to get you up in time to make it to the gym. And you make it to the gym on the first day. Then the next day, when the same alarm goes off you find yourself hitting the ‘snooze’ button and going back to sleep. Sound familiar?

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey recommends to always, ‘begin with an end in mind.’  In my experience, the process of goal setting always starts there, in the mind – as an idea, a vision, a dream, a wish, or simply a thought about something you’d like to achieve or have. Being clear and specific about what it is you want gives you focus and direction, but it doesn’t give you the passion and drive to accomplish it.

Where do you find that passion? No other place but inside your own heart.

Research at the HeartMath Institute has shown that the human heart is more than just a pump. According to their research, the human heart contains over 40,000 neural cells and possesses its own ‘heart brain’ that thinks independently from your brain. Furthermore, our hearts are at least 5,000 times electro-magnetically more powerful than our brain. What this means is that any decision or action that is taken ‘from the heart’ is exponentially more powerful and more likely to get you the results you want.

How do you access this heart power that will help you achieve your goals?

By setting up Heart Intelligent goals that actually have H.E.A.R.T.

Begin by slowing down, taking a deep breath, and taking a few minutes to answer the following questions about your 2013 goals:

Harmony

Is your goal in harmony with your values? If you’re trying to loose weight for example, how will having a leaner body and feeling good about yourself positively impact your relationship with yourself, your family, friends and even people at work? Simply, how will it benefit you?

End-Step

Does your goal have a clear end-step, or last step that will let you know when you have achieved it? For example, when will you know you’ve lost those 10 kilograms? If your answer is, ‘when I step on the scale at the gym and it reads 72 kgs’ then you have a clear end-step. Having a clear end-step will give your unconscious mind a specific direction to move towards.

As If Now

Can you actually see yourself as if you have already achieved your goal? If you cannot see yourself weighing less, how likely do you think is that you will achieve it? Take time to visualize yourself, and explore what it would look like, feel like, and sound like once you’ve achieved your goal.

Realistic

Is your goal realistic? Loosing 10 Kgs. in just a month is not only hazardous to your health, but also not realistic. Most people overestimate what they can achieve in one year, and underestimate what they can achieve in a lifetime. Be realistic about what you can and cannot commit to when it comes to achieving your goals.

Transformational

How will achieving your goal transform you? In other words, what kind of person will you have to become in order to achieve this new goal? What new qualities, new habits, new ways of being will you have to acquire? Will you have to become more disciplined, more committed? What old thoughts, patterns, habits of behaviors will you have to release or let go off?

Now that you’ve answered these questions, you’re in a better position to start creating a plan of action, or start following a meal plan or activity schedule that will help you get to the finish line!

Remember, a goal with a heart is exponentially more powerful than a goal that is set up just from your limited mind. Once you set up goals that have H.E.A.R.T. you will start accessing your own heart-based power or courage, that will help you achieve the results you want.

Your Turn

What your top 5 goals you plan to achieve in 2013? Do they have H.E.A.R.T.? Feel free to share in the comments area below.

Love.