Is there anyone in your life that you’re struggling to connect with? Someone you like or love, but you keep feeling as if you’re missing each other or simply not connecting on the same wave length?
In my experience, when I fail to deeply connect with someone I love is because there’s some kind of misunderstanding that often comes up when I either withhold what I’m truly feeling, thinking of wanting, or express it in a way that the other person cannot understand or relate to.
This is one of the reasons I made an agreement with myself to minimize the time I spend connecting with people via email, Whatsapp, text messaging, and social media channels, and more time having in person, real-time, conversations where the other person and I can express ourselves more fully.
The result is I get to connect with fewer people, but each one of these interactions is deeper, more real, authentic, and quite often, heart directed. Because this is what my heart ultimately longs for: another real, human heartbeat. Not the beeping sound of Whatsapp.
In today’s article I’d like to share a quiz containing 15 statements that you can use to build deeper, more intimate, relationships with others. I came across these 15 statements, when exploring the work of author Susan Campbell in her book Getting Real.
You can think of these statements as tools you could add to your communication repertoire that will have a great impact, and contribute towards the success of any relationship. In fact, using these statements can help you bring much-needed healing to any relationship you might be struggling with!
The 15 Statements Necessary for Relationship Success
Please take a moment to read each one of the following 15 statements slowly. After you read each statement, you can write 0 if it would rarely or never occur to you to say this, 1 if you might occasionally make this statement, and 2 if such a statement is typical of your communication repertoire. At the end, take a moment to score yourself, and read the corresponding analysis that follow.
- Hearing you say_________, I feel_______. (e.g. Hearing you say, “When are you going to fix the fence,” I feel some resistance coming up in me.)
- I want you to listen and hear me out before responding.
- I’m sorry. If I had it to do over, I would….
- Tell me more about why you feel/think/see it that way. (useful when you do not immediately agree with something)
- I didn’t mean to hurt you. What I wish I’d been able to communicate is….
- I’d like to make it up to you/to make amends.
- Could we sit down and talk about something that’s on my mind?
- I’m feeling unfinished about that recent conversation between us. Could we talk about it?
- I need some time before I respond to you.
- I see it differently than that. May I tell you how I see it?
- I think/favor/want____.What do you think/favor/want?
- I appreciate you for______(something specific the other person did or said).
- I want______How does that work for you? (Or “Is this something you can give?”)
- I feel crummy about what just happened. Can we talk about it?
- I notice myself getting defensive. I think I’m getting triggered.
The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest would be 0. The higher your score, the higher is your likelihood of having successful, real and authentic relationships. Here is a breakdown of what your scores might mean:
0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships more often than you would like. It’s important you learn how to communicate with others from a real, authentic space.
10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning. But it’s important you take time to explore these phrases and start using them in your communication with others if you’d like to experience deeper, more authentic relationships.
16-24: You have good relationship skills and have the aptitude to take your skills to the highest level if you wish. Keep using these phrases with others. Keep taking risks to clear the air and keep it clear.
25-30: Your capacity for present-centered relating is already at a very high level. Congratulations! By continuing to practice and develop your in-the-moment awareness you will be helping others become better communicators.
As you score yourself, be aware that this is just a snapshot of how you’re communicating with others today. And, that if you if you start to use these statements consistently, you’ll experience richer, more fulfilling relationships in all areas of your life.
The Key to Successful Relationships
The reason these statements work is because they help you in addressing your present-time feelings and emotions. This is the key part of the communication that is most often left out, specially when using social media, or instant message technologies.
They also help you clear up any old misunderstandings from recent unsatisfying interactions, so you don’t build up more. And most importantly, they bring your awareness into the present moment. When you are aware of your present-time feelings and reactions, you’re more “fully present” in your interactions, and this will lead to feeling more confident and having a sense of empowerment that will inevitable lead to more successful, authentic, loving relationships in all areas of your life.
Give these a try, and let me know how it goes…